This Is Hard

This is a sleep-deprived woman.

I'm tired. I'm exhausted, really. Mentally, emotionally, physically. I'm not sure how the care of two infants who can't talk, can't move on their own, and have no ability to interact is mentally exhausting, but it is. Emotionally, I'm all over the map. I love them so much, but I'm also so frustrated when they're crying and I can't comfort both of them immediately. I feel like they each deserve 100% of my attention--and if they weren't twins that's what they would get--but since there are two of them, neither can have 100% of me 100% of the time. Physically, my body is always at "alert"--ready to pull me out of sleep when they cry and ready to feed them whenever they demand it. I'm happy that the baby weight is practically gone (not that my pre-pregnancy clothes fit quite the same, but the number on the scale is pleasant) but breastfeeding is a lot harder on my body than I expected or that I was led to anticipate. I am eating all.the.time and I am still hungry. I could probably eat an entire chocolate cake by myself every day and still not gain weight. These babies are sucking out of me everything I can put in, and then some. I'm still taking my prenatal vitamins and an iron supplement, and I'm having my protein smoothie and tons of other protein and calcium-rich foods, as well as lots and lots of fruits and whole grains, plus dessert with lunch and dinner.....my dad remarked that my appetite was definitely healthy!

It is nice seeing the results of all the food I'm making for the babies though--these cheeks are getting rounder and rounder!

My mother-in-law's departure on Saturday morning was depressing. She was simply amazing--boundless energy and patience, tons of useful and welcome advice, and fantastic cooking and housecleaning. The woman even changed the sheets on her bed before she left. We both cried when we hugged goodbye.

David and I survived the 30 hours before my dad arrived on Sunday evening--the first time we were "on our own" with the babies. Some neighbors had a BBQ on Saturday afternoon as a pre-father's day event, so we walked the babies over for their first party. They were of course much admired.

My dad is a very proud grandfather. He's not as spry as my mother-in-law, but he's been a tremendous help this week. He's learned how to fold diapers, how to cloth diaper, how to work the car seats and stroller, and how to clean and assemble my pump. He's done very well being up close and personal with his daughter's breasts, and I'm proud of him for that. A nursing mother cannot have a household helper who is shy!

(Theo had spit up on his shirt.)

I think his favorite thing is taking the babies' for a walk and receiving compliments on them. Today we drove to a different neighborhood for a change of scenery on our walk and to pick up a pizza to bake for dinner later. That was a lot of fun--the streets there were flatter and there were lots of passerby who had nice things to say about my growing babies.

But as it gets on toward evening and then night and bedtime, I feel myself gearing up for war. Last night Ingrid went right to sleep at 9:30, but Theo was awake until 11:45. And then of course Ingrid wanted to wake up to eat at 12:45, so we had to get Theo up then too. Fortunately they both have done a good job of going back down after the night feedings, but I thought I was going to lose my mind trying to get Theo to fall asleep last night. He just was staring--not crying, but his big eyes were going everywhere. Ingrid had done the same trick a few nights before.

Part of why it's so hard I think is because I know how lucky I am to have two healthy babies and how little right I have to complain when there are lots of families that are much worse off than we are. But this is still hard for me and I wish I didn't have guilt in saying so. I don't think this is something you can anticipate or prepare for--you've either been the parent of a newborn or you haven't. And you've either been the parent of newborn twins or you haven't.

The babies are starting to wake up, so that's my cue. I know this will get easier, and I will never get to have this experience again, but I am anxious for when they can at least smile and appreciate being hugged!

Ingrid & Theo's Birth Story: Part Two

(Read Part One here)
As my contractions got going and I learned the meaning of PAIN, I wanted to move around to try to cope. But with the internal monitor on Ingrid, the external monitor on Theo and my contraction monitor, I couldn't go very far or very easily. I was really not happy with this, and I managed to haul myself out of the bed anyway. My nurse was a bit unsure of what to do with me, but she got a Chuks underneath where I was standing because I was leaking fluid. And of course I managed to pull out Ingrid's internal monitor with all my jostling around.

Right about then David finally got to the room. He proceeded to stare at me with something approaching terror as I glared at him and tried to handle the contractions, which were coming about every two minutes. Two nurses helped me back into the bed and N tried to get the monitor back on Ingrid. She did something, but Ingrid still wasn't showing up so they put the external back on her. At that point I said I wanted an epidural. To David's credit, he took my hand and reminded me that I had wanted to wait so was I sure I wanted the pain relief? I say to his credit now, because I really do think it was great that he both (a) remembered the plan and (b) had the courage to bring it up to me. At the time, however, I believe I hit his hand away and barked at poor N that I wanted the epi and I wanted it NOW.

N paged Dr. K and gently told me that it would be a few minutes before she would arrive, and then another few minutes to get the epi placed, and then another 10 minutes or so before I would feel the relief. So I understood I'd be looking at at least 30 more minutes of the worst pain I had ever felt. David asked if I wanted to squeeze his hand, but I was afraid I'd break his fingers so I kept squeezing the rails of the bed. N was awesome, rubbing my shoulders and talking to me.

Dr. K arrived and had me sit up in the bed and slump against David's shoulders while she placed the catheter. I think she also had me sign some paperwork, but I certainly didn't read it and I must say that I'm not sure it would hold up as informed consent--contract of adhesion, duress, all that....ha. Anyway, the needle stung a bit, but I was so excited with anticipation that I would soon be more comfortable that I barely felt it. Dr. K finished up and left, and a few minutes later, she told me that I should feel some numbness in my legs--I didn't. N said I shouldn't feel my next contraction as strongly--but I did. And the next one too. Another 10 minutes later, and I was still writhing in agony, and N decided to call Dr. K back. The epi hadn't "taken" and had to be repeated. So we redid the whole sitting up, slumping, and injecting. Finally, around 10:30pm, I could breathe without wanting to scream. David gave me a wonderful foot rub, and I relaxed.

Dr. Y came back then for an update and to figure out what was going on with Ingrid's internal monitor. It turns out the internal wasn't picking up Ingrid because it was attached to my cervix, not my baby. Dr. Y re-placed it, and she said that she'd be back every few hours to check me, and that I should try to sleep. N brought in a cot for David, and we both caught a few hours sleep.

Around 2:00, Dr. Y pronounced me complete at 10cm, and I could push at will. I fell back asleep until 2:30, when N came back and explained how pushing would work. And at 3am, I felt the urge to push--I was worried I wouldn't know what it would feel like, but it really was instinctual. It was time for these babies to get moving!

Growing Babies!

Okay, they're still asleep, so I'm going to do another post.

At the two week appointment on Monday, we received the very pleasant news that Ingrid was up to 7 lbs, 10 oz and Theo was at 5lbs, 13 oz. Both were 10 ounces above their birth weights!

It is getting harder to pick up Ingrid with one hand, and she has begun to outgrow some of the newborn-sized clothing. Theo is now finally fitting into some of the newborn clothing and things aren't hanging off of him nearly as much. I don't think he'll ever have chubby cheeks like his sister, but he doesn't look so pinched anymore and he no longer feels so breakable when we change his diaper or clothes.

We've been going for walks in the stroller every day which has been wonderful. The babies like being bounced around, and it is good for me to get outside and get some stamina back.

This was on our first walk when the babies were eight days old.

We saw lots of beautiful flowers on our walk--I love summer in California!

We are going a bit farther every day as I am getting stronger and having less pain. When my dad arrives on Sunday, we are going to have a lot of fun walking to the park and going for ice cream! The double snap-n-go was definitely the right choice--it is nice and lightweight. The bulkier double strollers would have been way too much to handle!

Date Night and other updates

MIL leaves tomorrow and I am so sad. She has been amazing--she keeps popping up with clean loads of laundry or freshly baked cookies or offers of diaper changes. Our future guests have a lot to live up to!

Last night she insisted that David and I go out for dinner. We had a previous "date" last Wednesday to Home Depot, OfficeMax, Babies R Us, and OSH, but dinner last night was our first trip without a baby-related purpose. We went to a yummy casual-yet-upscale-food restaurant that is pretty new. I had duck leg confit and David had a pork meatball sandwich. It was delicious and fun to be out and about. For dessert we walked down to Dreyer's and had ice cream cones. I had chocolate peanut butter cup and rocky road, and David had chocolate chip cookie dough. I'm pleased he didn't pick his usual vanilla. :) I strongly believe that regular "us" time is crucial to our sanity and our relationship, and a happy mommy and daddy is necessary for happy babies.

MIL gave the babies bottles while we were gone, and then I pumped when we got home. The babies are getting about one bottle a day each just so they remember how to take the bottle, so I'm getting in one pumping session a day. So far supply has not been an issue at all, and I'm really grateful for that. Nursing is hard work--and hard on my body. I'm down to just 10 pounds above my pre-pregnancy weight, meaning I've lost 40+ pounds in 2 1/2 weeks. MIL figured I'm losing over 1000 calories a day with nursing, so I guess it's not surprising. My appetite is huge, and it's fun to be able to eat all the goodies I couldn't have with the gestational diabetes--such as Dreyer's (non sugar free) ice cream!

David has survived his first week back at work with only minimal sleep deprivation. Nursing at night is working out better than bottles because I don't have to pump AND try to feed a baby. What we've been doing is having David get up with me for the first night feeding and take care of mid-feeding diaper changes, and he dozes on the sofa while I nurse. Then MIL gets up for the second night feeding and does the same. I am looking forward to when the babies will go a solid 4 hours without waking up, but we aren't there yet! They're very lucky they're so cute.

I'm almost done with the birth announcement. We received the full CD of images from Ava this week (so fast!!) and it was really fun picking out the pictures. To close this post, here's one of my favorites that wasn't in the sneak peek.

Professional Photos!

Our photo shoot with Ava on Saturday morning was a lot of fun. She was here for three hours and survived several Ingrid temper tantrums. Theo was pretty calm and chill for most of the session.

We started out in the living room, and then moved into the nursery, and finished up with some "fuzzy sleep baby" shots on the fluffy blanket downstairs.



I was glad Kathy was here and we were able to get some great shots with her.



This pose in their crib is one of my favorites.

We finished with the four of us spooning.
I jammed my rings back on--first time I wore them since March! They were tight but I got them on! They felt very heavy.

Love this. Coffee and spit rags. Story of my life.
I am so glad we made the decision to hire a professional to take some pictures of the babies as newborns. We bought a good camera for Christmas, but you also have to know how to use it--which we don't (yet). Ava's eye is obviously excellent, and we had a lot of fun. So worth it!

We're having more sessions with her at six months and a year--can't wait!

Nursemaid

More fun with breastfeeding....
First, I think I should get to double count the time I've been nursing because I'm feeding twins. So instead of it sounding like I have nursed for 10 days, it should count as 20 days. On the other hand, it's also nice to be able to claim that I have kept three people alive for 10 days! As Vicky on RHOOC would say, Woo-Hoo!
The method of feeding them at the breast during the day and pumping at night for the next night seems to be working well. David or MIL can help with the night feedings then so I can get some more sleep. I do have to wake up to pump, yes, but it takes less time than feeding them and is much easier. MIL claims that eventually they'll gobble everything they want from me in 10 minutes, but we certainly are not there yet.
Tandem nursing is okay. I think Ingrid does a better job with it than Theo does; I'm not sure he likes the football hold. The My Brest Friend Twin pillow is a godsend though. I don't think I would be able to do it at all without it--so far that would have to rank as my most useful piece of baby gear, with the swing a close second.

In other updates, my poor little Ingrid seems to have a blocked tear duct and has to have eye drops for a week. It's so funny--we were most worried about Theo because he's so little, but it's Ingrid who has had the medical issues. Between the jaundice and her eye, she's been to the doctor or Children's Hospital three times now besides her checkups. I guess Theo had to fight more in the womb, so he's a fighter now too. Ingrid is also a bit congested, so she's been getting the nasal aspirator too. Poor little sweetheart! I just hope she doesn't pass anything on to Theo. In good news, her weight at the doctor's today was up to 7 lbs, 2.6 oz! She is over her birthweight well before two weeks. That was a big thrill for me. She doesn't have to come back for the checkup on Monday with Theo, so that's good. I know the mantra is if the doctor isn't worried, I shouldn't be either, but I just want my little girl to feel better and be her sweet self again.

Ingrid's latest has convinced me I need to find a PCP. I haven't had one.....since high school? I used the medical centers in college and grad school very infrequently, and the only time I've needed a non-OB/GYN practitioner since then was when I broke my arm in DC and when I had the infected bee sting a few years ago. But with all the colds and coughs the kids will be getting....time for mama to get her a doctor too, I suppose!

Ingrid and Theo's Birth Story - Part One

The babies' birth story is going to come in stages--basically bit by bit as I pump!

On May 23, my peri gave me an internal and told me I was 95% effaced and a fingertip dilated. She set my induction for Sunday, May 29, but she told me that she did not expect me to make it to that date and that I could go into labor at anytime. David and I were really excited, and I was hopeful that I would be able to avoid the induction interventions. I vowed to walk a lot, and we planned to have Indian on Friday night to try the spicy food trick. We attempted other "get labor started" tricks too.

However, the babies were having none of it. After keeping their mommy scared for so many weeks, the babies got lazy. We spent our last night at home watching The Parent Trap (LiLo version)--how prophetic that a movie about twins was on.

My instructions were to call the hospital at 5AM on Sunday to get a time to come in. We had been told that depending on other patients, it could be later that morning or even the afternoon. I was chomping at the bit, per usual, so I called at 4:50 in the hopes that if everyone was calling at 5 I could beat the rush. A very nice nurse who answered the phone told me we could come at 6 AM!

We finished packing--David says I was a bit manic as I tried to afix labels to the kitchen cabinets--and we headed out after a quick good-bye to Kathy. We arrived at the hospital at 6:25 AM. David was pleased that we could use street parking for Sunday and Memorial Day Monday. One drawback to urban areas is paying for parking in garages!

I checked in and was taken straight to a Labor & Delivery room; no triage for me this time. Our first two nurses, M and C, were really nice, young, and quite attractive; David was pleased, ha. They hooked me up for an IV (C couldn't get it; M got it on the first try). Dr. Z came by and checked me; he said I was only about 70% effaced and that my cervix was posterior and needed to be ripened with a Cervadil suppository. I felt like a piece of fruit and was pretty upset that I wasn't going to be going anywhere anytime fast.

The good thing was that I got to eat! Shift change--we now had Crazy K as my nurse (lots more on her later), and she brought in an egg and potato dish on trays for David and for me. I thought it was nice that she fed him too. After my breakfast, K said we could go for a walk on the rooftop garden off the maternity floor. It was a gorgeous day but a little cool, so she brought me a heated blanket. The garden had a view of the city and it was a clear morning. There were also lots of really nice flowers--the volunteers who tend the garden do a good job! We paced and paced and I tried to talk the babies into getting going, but they weren't listening. After about 20 minutes we went back inside and watched some TV.

Baby B kept slipping off his monitor and needing to be found again, but both babies' heartrates were looking "textbook." Lunch was some sort of chicken thing, and after lunch we did some more walking in the garden. I was getting frustrated by late afternoon that nothing was happening, and I felt ignored by all the doctors. In late afternoon there was another nurse shift change, and we now had J, who was our age and very businesslike. About five minutes after she came on shift, she and K came into the room together, J looking annoyed. K then confessed that I was not supposed to be getting out of bed except for the restroom, the babies had to be monitored continuously, and I should not have been allowed to go to the garden. She had completely ignored the Cervadil protocol!! Fortunately there were no problems, and frankly I'm glad I was able to move around and get some fresh air, but my goodness--what a mistake!

J also said that I was not getting any more food. I was really annoyed at this point--just as David announced he was going home to eat dinner and go for a quick run. As we weren't expecting anything to happen for 2 1/2 hours, it made sense although it made me feel a bit abandoned. Before he left, I had a bit of a temper tantrum about not being able to walk anymore, and J said I could go on a remote monitoring thing as long as I stayed hooked up. Dr. Z said it was okay too, so away we went, pacing the halls with me dragging a monitor on wheels along for the ride. I called Aunt E to give her an update, and that kept me entertained for the first 15 minutes of David's absence. By that point I was tired, so I went back to the room to sit down. It was about 7:30pm and I was expecting to sit there for an hour before anyone paid any more attention to me. I was feeling sorry for myself, lonely, and anxious about when the babies were going to be making an appearance. At this point, my contractions were infrequent bur regular-ish and not painful.

All that was about to change!

Suddenly, J came in with a female doctor, Dr. L, who introduced herself and was very friendly and said she and Dr. Y were going to be doing my delivery that night. She said she was going to remove the Cervadil and check my progress. That HURT. I didn't like seeing all the blood on her gloves when she took her hand away. She said I was at 2-3 cm and the next step would be breaking my water and putting an internal monitor on Baby A. That is a little probe-like thing that attaches to the baby's scalp. She reassured me that it was painless for the baby.

I quickly called David and told him to get back ASAP. He sounded kind of shell-shocked; I know I sounded mad. A few minutes later, Dr. L was back and I lay flat as she inserted the wand to break my water--gush! That didn't hurt. But a few seconds later--BAM, I felt my first real contraction. It hit me like a ton of bricks--much stronger and much more painful than anything I had been expecting or have ever felt. I called David again and ordered him to get back NOW; he reported that he was walking to the hospital entrance.